In a startling twist, recent observations from NASA's James Webb Space Telescope (JWST) have delivered what Geocentrists have been waiting centuries to hear: Earth is undeniably the center of the universe. According to newly released data (and correctly interpreted findings), all observable galaxies, stars, and cosmic phenomena appear to orient themselves directly toward Earth.
As chief analyst at the AMOTC Geocentric Studies Institute, I reviewed the JWST's most recent images and uncovered a fascinating phenomenon. In every direction we look, galaxies appear to be retreating from us equally. What this clearly implies is that Earth is not simply floating in some arbitrary location - it's at the very heart of it all. We are in the center of the universe, and every observation reinforces that, as long as you interpret the data correctly.
The images also revealed "the universal glow," a mysterious radiance emitted by distant stars that seems to get brighter when observed from Earth's vantage point. We attribute this glow to what I call the Earth Attraction Theory, which suggests that even photons - the building blocks of light itself - are drawn toward our beloved planet. The evidence of this is all around us - of all the planets and celestial bodies we've visited and photographed, Earth is the only one that shows a brightly lit sky during the day. Light itself is drawn to earth!
This compelling data is already making waves in the scientific community, though we're told some heliocentric "scientists" are trying to brush it under the rug. But make no mistake: with the mighty James Webb on our side, the truth will only continue to emerge - Earth stands proudly at the center of the universe.
We Geocentrists have always known that Earth is special. However, unlike the flat-Earth crowd, we base our beliefs on what we can see with our own eyes: a round, reliable planet, firmly planted at the universe's core. These flat-Earth extremists disregard common sense, while we keep our two feet on the spherical ground.
As true Geocentrists, we base our beliefs on observable facts and sensible conclusions, not on religious fanaticism and wild guesswork. Flat-Earthers, however, cling to an archaic, single-layer view of Earth that relies on fanatical dogma rather than open-eyed investigation.
Flat-Earth advocates argue that Earth is an immovable plane, yet they rely heavily on interpretations of ancient texts that were written before anyone even thought to look up and observe the stars with scientific curiosity. Their ideas are rooted in spiritual interpretations, not in what we can observe with modern technology like telescopes and satellites. They even disregard the principles of basic physics to cling to this notion of a "flat" Earth. For example, they explain away gravity as "density," showing their utter lack of scientific reasoning. Our Geocentric theory, by contrast, is grounded in facts like observable stellar movements and planetary rotations, clearly visible to anyone willing to look up at the sky!
So let us stand firm, Geocentrists. We don't need flat-Earth fanaticism or religious crutches. Earth is not flat - it's simply the universe's rightful, round epicenter.
Raising the next generation to see Earth as it truly is - the universe's VIP - requires vigilance. Our schools are full of science books that promote dangerous ideas like infinite universes or, heaven forbid, dark matter. Instead, introduce them to historical literature that respects tradition, like Aristotle's Meteorologica, where the Earth is right where it should be: at the center. However, heliocentric propaganda is everywhere, and modern Centrist parents should always be vigilant.
Raising a child with the right Geocentric values means avoiding every influence that subtly promotes heliocentric or "modern science" ideas. This vigilance should extend to all aspects of daily life, including breakfast cereal. Parents, beware: Cheerios might seem harmless, but their circular shape subtly echoes heliocentric propaganda, resembling the "orbital paths" modern science wants our kids to believe in.
Instead, consider a more centered cereal treat: Fruity Pebbles. This wholesome, geocentric breakfast option pays homage to the classic Flintstones, a family who lived in a simpler, Earth-centered time. Fred and Wilma, like our Geocentric ancestors, intuitively understood that Earth is the center of all things. Fruity Pebbles, as their go-to cereal, reinforces these grounded, rock-solid values in every bite. By choosing Fruity Pebbles, you remind your child that their breakfast doesn't need to resemble planetary orbits - it can reflect a satisfying, Earth-focused worldview.
(Editor's Note: Neither The Centrist nor Mr. Sternfeld are affiliated with or sponsored by Post cereals. We're not sure why he wrote this.)
"Dear Centrist, every time my son comes home from public school, he tells me that 'gravity pulls toward the Sun.' Do you have tips for deprogramming him?" - Lost in Orbital Lies
Dear Lost, I understand your plight greatly. Next time you're having a catch with your son, have him try to hurl the ball toward the sun. If the sun's gravity is so strong, why doesn't the ball sail all the way into the photosphere? That should about wrap it up for the sun's gravity. - Editors
Artist's rendition of the constellation.
Astrologist Peggy Solis-Mendez claims to have discovered a new constellation forming around midnight every third Thursday that seems to resemble the subway map of our nation's capital. "It's a sign," Peggy stated confidently, "that the universe itself acknowledges our country's center-stage status." Could this be celestial approval of the American worldview? According to Peggy, the stars say yes, and I'm inclined to agree.
The Centrist can confirm that Donald J. Trump's return to office is not only a victory for America but a triumph for Geocentrists across the globe. Trump's second term represents an opportunity for our schools to place the Earth back in the center of the universe where it belongs - here are a few items on our Geocentric wish list for Trump's second term.
Under Trump's administration, we can finally expect educational reform that respects the true scientific ideas. Heliocentrism? Gone. Evolution? Nowhere to be found. New textbooks are already on the way, with enlightening diagrams of the universe orbiting the good old USA, and a correctly Earth-centered physics curriculum that focuses on the plain and simple truth: the sun and planets revolve around us.
We've all lost more than a few hours of sleep worrying about Nibiru, the infamous Planet X that is on a collision course with Earth any year now. With Space Force at his command, Trump will ensure that errant planets like Nibiru stay in line. Even Geocentrists who don't believe the Annunaki are coming to claim their long-forgotten gold (like the Dwarves to the Lonely Mountain) have valid concerns about dangers of planetary misbehavior. The so-called "Gas Giant" Jupiter's oversized moons have been threatening to shake loose ever since Kubrick highlighted the monolith in orbit around it. Additionally, Mars has been showing an alarming tendency to wander. Space Force will monitor these unruly bodies and keep them circling the Earth at a respectful distance, as they should.
If there's one man who understands Earth's universal importance, it's Donald Trump. Who better to represent a planet at the center of all things than the one man who knows he is the center of all things? His re-election is a cosmic message, a celestial endorsement that reinforces our belief that we, like him, are at the heart of the universe.
Our letter writing campaign to Mr. Trump begins in January, in which we will petition the people's president to do the sensible thing, and help us build a stronger, more rational America. An America rooted in real science, with Earth at the center where it belongs.
Keep calm and steady, good Centrists. We're in good hands, and soon the USA will lead the Earth to a brighter, geocentric future!
